Friday, January 30, 2015
New Zealand politics was transformed overnight after five year old Jack Smith of Mataura made a birthday wish. Little Jack had become increasingly concerned at how unhappy his parents had become because of John Key's government. Every time the PM or one of his Ministers appeared on TV his father would yell "liar!" and his mother would use bad language that he was given time out for. The only way he could imagine his family could ever be truly happy would be if those government people had to tell the truth, so he wished that very thing before blowing out his five candles.
John Key was the first to realize that his natural facility for spinning a good yarn had abandoned him when he attempted to make his State of the Nation speech. In front of a stunned crowd he explained in detail how much money they planned to make from selling off state houses and how useful it will be to shift the responsibility for social housing away from the Government. He also explained how profitable their policy would be for many private landlords when the housing supplement was expanded.
"Also," explained Key with shocking candor, "some of my best friends are growing their wealth through their property portfolios. If we build too many houses, and increase supply, this could seriously damage their profits. We need to stop the bubble from bursting."
The audience began squirming in their seats and many began studying the floor or the ceiling as the Prime Minister went on to explain his theory that the poor actually enjoyed living in cramped conditions and Maori must feel grateful that we introduced real houses to this country.
The second to be struck by Jack's wish was Education Minister, Hekia Parata. Just as she was trying to explain on National Radio why so many students had failed to gain University Entrance in 2014 she found herself frankly stating that they needed more places for foreign students who actually brought in money rather than creating debt.
"We don't really need more university graduates working in New Zealand," Parata explained to a stunned Susie Furguson, "In the low wage economy National is creating we actually need more unskilled people who are obliged to work on a minimum wage. The growing areas of employment do not require tertiary qualifications."
Parata went on to expound on the collective view of caucus that the more educated people became, the more annoying they were to her Government. "Most of them vote Green, they never believe our spin and they don't stay in their ivory towers, but make really annoying public statements like that Catton woman (John was livid)."
The next to find himself speaking truthfully was Nick Smith as he gave an interview to journalists beside the helicopter he had chartered for them from funds set aside for Pike River families. The journalists couldn't believe their ears when Smith explained that the whole thing was a PR stunt to try and remove all the flack the Government was getting for their handling of the Pike River disaster and their failure to recover the bodies.
Who would have believed that a five year old's birthday would change the course of political history for New Zealand?
Even more remarkable was Tim Groser's interview the following day on the details behind the TPPA negotiations. Jacks wish was about to impact on global politics too...